Adopting The Culture, Good £ Bad

Since I've been living in Stewkley I purchased my first Soccer Jersey, A Manchester United red Jersey that was only £10 because it was used and had a misspelled name on the back of it. So the British culture is permeating my skin a bit, and it is also beginning to show in my behaviour. My last client told me that moaning is a British pass time, and the following is a little bit of just that. I lost my internet connection last night while I was watching Top Gear on the bbc web site. This happened around 7:30pm, and around the same time I lost use of the telephone outlet in the main room. I didn't think much of it, so after doing the usual routine of fiddling with wires and power buttons, I gave up and left it for the morning. When I woke up everything was back to normal and I had lost sleep over nothing! No, tell lies. I didn't lose any sleep, and everything was just as Un'working as it had been previously, so I called the help line for BT, British Telephone. Now this problem had happened before with the internet, and after following their regimented set of tasks, everything was set back to normal, but no body had any idea why the connection was disturbed in the first place. It's sure a fun time to follow the pre-scripted instructions of a British Telephone help line, which is obviously set up in India somewhere and lacks any understand that goes outside of the routine. You have to be careful what terms you use when describing your problem. For example; if I tell them I have two phone's in the house, I can't tell them they are on the same line because this implies that they are both hooked up to the same chord or that they are both plugged into the same phone jack, or hole in the wall, outlet... I really don't know if any of these words meant any more to them than if I said towtin. But the description doesn't really seem to matter that much because no matter how many words I feed them after they say, "now how can I help you today sir?" I always end up going through the same routine with them. "Ooooh kaaaay sir could you please click on the start button for me at the bottom of your computer screen. Now you are going to see the following options...... now click on control panel. Now you are going to see the following options." Don't get me wrong, I understand how this routine has been designed to ideate proof the system, but sometimes you just want to have a conversation. So this kind chap, who is only trying to make a dollar, takes me through the process. I tell him the connection to the modem is fine, but the internet connection is flashing orange, meaning it's not ago. So we follow the tape, and through 3 useless steps I get to the screen he wants, which lets him know i wasn't lying when I said, "it's not working." Then he has to call me on my mobile phone so we can talk while the land line and internet connection are being tested. If I didn't have a cell phone, I don't know what he would have done, because this is clearly stated as step 14 on his task list. We check the line, and nothing is wrong there, so he then talks me through resetting the modem configurations manually. I told him at the start of our interaction that this was the problem last time, but I guess skipping a few steps wouldn't be kosher. Whatever, this guy is just trying to do his job. Now the internet is back up and running, and I check two web sites to make sure, because that's what he asked of me. Then we attempt to get the phone line back in working order. In order to do this he needs to speak to my client, on my cell phone, which is not very loud, while my client is very hard of hearing. This varification process involves some frustration on the part of my client, and some patience from the BT help guy and me. Once that is complete we go through a couple steps and I attempt to explain my problem, sifting through some selective technical terms. Eventually he says he needs to put me through to different department who will give me my "Internet phone number". Apparently this is necessary in order for my regular phone number to work on the same "line" as the other phone in the house. If this doesn't make sense, I really don't think it should, but from what I gather, I have two phones working on one phone number, but one of the phones stopped working so it was concluded that this phone was in sync with the internet connection and must be reconfigured in order to work. Now to do this takes a bit of Tom Dickery. because I don't know this number, my loyal assistant has to put me through to someone in another department who has been keeping this number secrete from all the other staff. I believe his name was Neo. So Neo gets on the line, "Hello Mr. Vincent." "Hello." I reply. "Hello Mr. Vincent. Mr. Vincent?" "Hello, can you hear me?" I ask Beep Beep Beep! Lost signal, which is not uncommon out here in the country. Though it's only a short ways outside London. I thought they might call back, because they had called my cell phone 10 minutes ago when we started testing the land line. But there was no call, so I called them again and this time I got a different agent. Yes, I had to start the process all over again. Though we didn't have to do the internet check, so it wasn't as long. I explained the situation and I believe he picked up on a few key words and began to go into one of his routines. When I told him about the phone number I was told I needed he gave me a 0800 number to call for their technical support, though I couldn't figure out what he was if I had to be put through to technical support. I questioned him on this when he said "Okay Mr.blahblah(My clients name), you are going to have to call this 0800 number in order to get the telephone number you require." I was curious, so I said, "When I called 10 minutes ago I had gotten to this stage and the employee I was speaking with had connected me with the "technical support" and that is when I got cut off. "Yes Mr. blah-blah, you are going to have to call this 0800 number in order to get the telephone number you require. Then you can call me back and we will test your connection." "I don't understand. Why would I have to call this 0800 number so that I can get a number I need in order for you to help me further? The last employee I was talk to had put me through to the technical department." I was calm, and didn't make that tone of voice people get on with when they are irate and irritated, wanting the person they are talking to to know this, but still maintaining some false sense of dignity. "Yes Mr. blahblah, you can call this 0800 number because you don't want to be held up in long call waiting lines." "I am not entirely sure, because I didn't ask him, but I'm pretty sure the type of lines he was talking about were much like the one I was held in before I got to speak with him, and would soon find myself in again when I had to call him back again; or call his number again, which would put me through to yet another helpful employee who would hear my spiel. I gathered from this that he was not as interested in helping me out as he was interested in getting back to chatting up the girl in cubical E-34c, next to him. I took the number, and also made note to press option 1 and then option 3, but this proved to be incorrect as there was no option 3. So I get through to another fellow, and this time I am smart enough to jot down his name, which he had to spell out for me, and I dared not attempt to pronounce. I explained my situation to him and he began quoting prices for use of this internet line to me. At which point I figured something was lost in translation. Maybe it wasn't, but he reminded me of these prices and after deciphering what it was I wanted, he said the number was confidential and he would not be able to tell it to me over the phone and that he was mailing me a letter that should arrive in 4-5 business days. "What? Would I be able to get this number if I had the account holder verify this call for you?" I was now on the land line and this would involve wheeling my client through the house to say yes to a question he didn't understand. "No, it's just that this information is confidential and we have no way of verifying whether you are calling from a valid number or not." "So you don't have call display is what you are telling me, and because of this you have to send the number to my address in order for us to check and see if there is something wrong with the phone line." "Yes Mr. Vincent, it is probably a technical malfunction, but in order to test the line I must first send you this number. So if you hold for just a moment I will write up this letter to send to your home address........ Okay Mr.Vincent I have just written the letter you will receive in 4-5 business days. Is there anything else I may help you with today?" "A wardrobe malfunction? I mean, technical malfunction? I'm just curious, what sort of thing might happen in order for my internet and phone lines to all of a sudden stop working last night? I mean, what qualifies as a technical malfunction?" I know, I know. You aren't supposed to carry on conversations with customer help lines. You either explain to them how the line was disrupted while you were having a game of cards next door with the new couple that just moved in; lovely couple, but she chats too much for you. Or you get irate and scream some profanities at them, asking to speak to their manager, or hang up in a tiff. I chose none of these options. I know what it's like to deal with customers and I would have to say, they are the absolute worst kind of people. You are at your lowest point when you are acting the role of a customer. Demanding irrationally, and talking down to the lowly employee you are addressing, because they are payed to help you, and they should be grateful for their job, accepting their subordinate post at the till. "Well sir a technical malfunction could be any number of things." This screams, "I don't know the answer, could we please get back to my list of questions and stop treating me like your cohort!" I was pretty sure a technical malfunction was another term for service user error, or in layman's terms, My own stupid fault. Sure, they probably get a thousand people calling in every day asking why their modem didn't come with an internet in the box, but I was half sensible and knew a thing or two about on/off switches. Now here is the quote of the day. "Okay Mr. Vincent, thank you for calling and were you satisfied with your service today?" What would you have said? Just think about it and feel free to leave your response in the comments section, because I have changed the settings and you no longer need to be a member of blogger.com in order to leave a comment. I said, "Well, I'm not mad at you because I know you are doing your job and this policy has nothing to do with you, but I think it's a bit ridiculous that a telephone company does not have caller display in order to verify their customers. It's not very expensive and just about everyone has it. So, you have done all that you can and I was very pleased with your service but it doesn't make sense that BT cannot verify my call and as a result, must post me a number I need in order to attempt to get my phone working again. "Yes. Okay,t hank you for your call Mr. Vincent and have a nice day." Fin wardrobe malfunction, I mean, Technical malfunction.